One thing I have always thought was a mark of a good actor was someone who could play a variety of roles well. (I took two years of high school musical theater so I’m an expert on good acting.) As a completely biased third party observer, I think that Taylor Lautner is excellent in every role he’s taken. From breathing life into the (un)dead vampire series, to the subpar parkour movie, to my personal favorite, the completely insane but extremely lovable British comedy series, Cuckoo, Taylor is the best part about every production he’s in.
You’ve probably seen Twilight. If you haven’t yet, don’t. Just trust me. The entire series of Twilight movies is horrendous. Each moment is physically painful to watch from start to finish-- with two exceptions: when Bella finally becomes a vampire and stops being so GD ANNOYING, and every scene with Jacob Black (swoon). From his long drapes of black hair in the first movie (yes it was a wig. I don’t care. I still love it.) to his… physique (trying not to objectify too much) in the second movie, to his incredibly awkward imprinting on the infant with the unspeakably cringy first name, Taylor Lautner is the best part (truly the only good part) about those movies.
If you agree that Taylor is the redeemer of Twilight, you must do yourself a favor and watch every other movie he’s ever been in. I admit I haven’t seen them all, but for some reason, I just adore that ethnically ambiguous kid. Yes, I’ve seen the meme with him compared to an Alpaca. I choose not to give room to that kind of negativity in my life.
If you’re Ravenclaw enough to have read the Twilight books, you get a fist bump from me but also you can understand the character of Jacob Black more than the strictly movie watchers. If you’ve read the books, then you know that Taylor’s portrayal of the young, sweaty, chiseled, bronze god is spot on. He’s kind, energetic, and innocent. Of everyone in the cast, only Taylor succeeded in translating what Stephenie Meyer wrote onto the screen. (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are topics for another day. Or maybe I should just keep my lips shut about them.) Aside from the height difference between book Jacob and movie Jacob, almost everything about Taylor as Jacob is perfect. Taylor has that inviting smile that makes you feel like you know him even though the closest you’ve come to meeting him is that cardboard cutout your college roommate had. Book Jacob was there for Bella when no one else was, and unlike that bitch, he had no ulterior motives for spending time with her. He enjoyed her company for some incomprehensible reason, and he was her friend. Sure his feelings developed into something more, but Bella also flirted with him like a toddler flirts with a pair of scissors. Jacob is one of the best characters in the books and Taylor’s role as Jacob Black was perfetto.
Do you remember parkour? It was a big thing on the internet a few years ago. (To be honest, I have no concept of time or trends. Too many mouths to feed.) If you look it up on YouTube, you’ll probably find some videos that will make your butt crawl up into your stomach. Parkour is terrifying. It’s basically running, jumping and “falling with style” (name that movie!) in death defying stunts in urban or natural settings all with the goal of … drumroll please… getting from one place to another. How satisfying. Maybe you’ve seen the episode of The Office where Dwight, Michael and Andy try to learn parkour. Now that’s some viewing I can give my strongest recommendation.
Not to backtrack, but Taylor Lautner is totally ripped. Not sure if that’s been made clear, but when you see him topless in New Moon, that’s no CGI. Muscles like that don’t grow on trees, so I’m sure Taylor spent tons of time training for that role. Little did he know, that sculpted bod and heroic strength would help him with PARKOUR!! Tracers premiered in 2015. It stars Taylor as Cam who [insert heartbreaking life situation and problem here] and has to [insert ethically challenging solution to said problem here]. Somehow parkour helps him solve his problem. Like I said earlier, it’s a subpar parkour movie. But Taylor is again the breath of fresh air it needed. In this movie, he’s not a Native American werewolf, but a New York bike delivery boy who learns how to hurl his body over stomach churning drops for the sake of his greater cause. Pretty badass.
Finally, Cuckoo. If you haven’t seen this one-- STOP READING. GO. NOW. NETFLIX. I can’t even form a coherent sentence because I love this show so much. Skip season 1. Critiques agree (and by critiques I mean my girl squad) the show doesn’t get good until season two when the raven haired Adonis, Taylor Lautner, appears. (Are we seeing a pattern? Maybe Midas is a better metaphor…) Cuckoo season one is about a young British girl, Rachel, who travels to Thailand and meets a new age American who calls himself Cuckoo, played by Andy Samberg. They get married and move in with her parents in Litchfield, England. The first season is… fine. Season two, Rachel is recast and Samberg is out. (Cuckoo dies while mountain climbing in the Himalayas). That’s when Taylor Lautner as Dale appears. (Insert wolf cry here: Awooooo!!) This role is night and day different from what we’ve seen him in before. Taylor is hilarious. The character, Dale is the illegitimate son of Cuckoo, product of Cuckoo’s very first sexual experience at age 13. Dale was raised in a cult with PLENTY of strange nuances that pop up as the show progresses. The best one has to be at a dinner double date. Rachel and her beau, Ben, set Dale up with mutual friend, Natalie. At the end of the meal, Dale offers to show them all his friendship ritual. He leans in close to Natalie, and, placing a hand on her cheeks says, “Friend, take my trust.” He repeats the gesture to Rachel, saying, “Friend, take my love.” Finally, he says to Ben, “Friend take my blood,” then he takes a huge kitchen knife and slices his palm open and rubs the blood all over Ben’s face. The sheer unexpectedness of the scene sent me over the edge in a laughing fit the first time (and every other time) I watched it. Dale’s catchphrase, “Oh well. Gotta keep smilin’!” in any situation, no matter how inappropriate, was also the source of much hilarity. There are countless other amazing comedic moments in Cuckoo, all of the best ones centered around the quirky (maybe even straight up strange) and adorable character of Dale.
Taylor’s filmography reaches far beyond the Twilight series (thank God,) Tracers, and Cuckoo, and I’m sure that every production on his roster was made better by his participation. Where is he now? Well, he’s off screen, that’s for sure, but in my research I found that he was in a show called Scream Queens in 2015-2016. (This is probably the part where you ask yourself how out of touch a person can be. Remember, I already said I don’t keep track of the time or trends). For anyone as behind the times as me, the show boasts quite a star-studded cast, including Jaime Lee Curtis, Abigail Breslin, Ariana Grande, John Stamos and Lea Michele. Here’s the premise from IMDB, “A semi-anthology series that centers on characters being terrorized by a serial killer in different locations, including a university and a hospital.” If I had a beard, I’d be stroking it in intrigue right now. That sounds awesome. And it has Taylor Lautner? AND it’s currently streaming on Hulu?! That’s all for now, folks. Gotta go get my binge watch on.
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